I Forgot to Add...

[queenoftheskies]

This new man that I was complaining about...

Calls me "Dear" and pats me on the arm.

Ask me how much I want to smack him!!!

End of rant. :)

Comments

[greatsword.livejournal.com]

Based on the experience of some co-workers at a prior job, I'd suggest telling him to stop.

"Excuse me, please don't do that" at this point may save some ugly confrontation at a later point.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

If it gets worse, I probably will. At this point, once I'm out of purchasing completely, I'm hoping I won't have to deal with him.

[jmeadows.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping I won't have to deal with him.

But other women will. Maybe pull him aside and mention *you're* not taking it the wrong way, but some women are hypersensitive and might. If you say it like you're doing him a favor, hopefully it will stop.

I'd suggest letting the management know you were talking about it to him (or having them do it) in case anything arises from that. Hopefully *no one* will have to deal with it, yanno? No one should, if it makes them uncomfortable.

(eee, and totally sorry for spamming your journal!)

[moonlit-page.livejournal.com]

Call him "darling" and pat him back. It'll sink in.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

Women can be guilty of sexual harrassment for making comments and touching, too.

[moonlit-page.livejournal.com]

Oh god, I wasn't being serious!!! X.X

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

:)

[saycestsay.livejournal.com]

Officially it's actionable sexual harrassment. See California state laws. Ask him to stop. If he doesn't, take it to management. If they don't budge, call the state.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

I know it is, but I really don't want to cause a stink. He's done it to another woman, too. She thinks it's racially motivated because she says he's done it to another woman too...but only the three of us.

[canoeu.livejournal.com]

Ditto on all of the above. Do something about it now, or it will only get worse.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm hoping I can avoid him. If I can't, there's a nice guy I might ask advice from. He can probably nudge things the right direction without me having to make a big deal about it.

I just wish people had manners.

[slugwriter.livejournal.com]

Or you could just lighten up and think maybe his remarks are unintenionally offensive and just a way he speaks to the female populace or people in general.

Or maybe the guy is just bad with names and "dear" is just something he substitutes.

Not everything we males do is intentional sexual harassment. Sometimes we just speak using certain salutations, etc. and what we say could be just another regional dialect manner of speaking that's common from the place we were raised.

Or the guy just could be a jerk, but I'm guessing not.

[saycestsay.livejournal.com]

No, not saying it's intentional... he's probably just unwittingly irritating. Still not the kind of coworker you need around.

And it opens the company up to liability. QOTS may give it a pass but what about Nervous Nelly they hire next week?

If it's unwitting, a gentle convo should clear things up.

[(Anonymous)]

Or maybe it's an over-reaction to not getting a promotion into the job that the boss's "friend" got instead.

I bet human resources would just shrug their collective shoulders and say, "Are you really sure you won't to make an official complaint about this?"

"dear" is a long way from sexual harassment.

[saycestsay.livejournal.com]

Well, i work in an anal-retentive fortune 500 company, and 'dear' can get you fired. YMMV.

(Here, HR doesn't shrug. They aren't allowed to.)

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

Or maybe it's an over-reaction to not getting a promotion into the job that the boss's "friend" got instead.

Except that the particular job in question is not a promotion, and I still have plenty of work of my own. I'm not the least bit interested in working in manufacturing. I'm trained in accounting and the office is where I belong.

The man's friend is not a boss. But, was probably looking for someone to do things his was instead of the way his boss wanted them done.

"dear" is a long way from sexual harassment.

I think, technically, it is sexual harrassment, but I'm not crying sexual harrassment. This man just doesn't have manners and is very presumptious.

I just think that everyone should treat everyone else in their work place with some respect.

[jmeadows.livejournal.com]

"dear" is a long way from sexual harassment.

Sorry, "Dear" is indeed sexual harassment if the woman takes it the wrong way.

You know, it can suck because women have gotten men fired just because they didn't like them. Really, at most places, all a woman has to do is say, "he calls me dear in a very patronizing way," even if the guy is totally not doing it to be rude.

It can be unfair. No one is saying it isn't.

But that, at least in Texas, is the law. MOST women won't do that to someone. Most are like J and very wary about crying wolf when they're not sure.

"Dear" and "hun" and "darling" are still sexual harassment.

(BTW, either sign into livejournal or sign your name. Anonymous comments, especially on posts like this, are darn cowardous. Don't say it if you're afraid to attach your name to it.)

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

Actually, he seems to have singled out three particular women at work to do this to.

And, I wasn't insinuating sexual harrassment. I just think he needs to learn some manners. Normally, you know someone better before you start with that kind of stuff.

[slugwriter.livejournal.com]

Like I said, maybe it's just who he is and no evil undercurrent or intent is at work here.

Others who replied to your comment certainly wanted to imply sexual harrassment,

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

Like I said, maybe it's just who he is and no evil undercurrent or intent is at work here.

That's entirely possible. He's an equal opportunity rude person...rude to men and women alike. So, you could be right. It could just be who he is.

Others who replied to your comment certainly wanted to imply sexual harrassment,

I honestly don't know the details of the law...though they tell us we're going to have a workshop on it soon. I'm not going to scream sexual harrassment. I just try to treat others with respect and would like to get it in return.

[jmeadows.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't know the details of the law...

I don't know the details of the law either, but I did some googling for you. Perhaps these links will help.

http://www.discriminationattorney.com/harasswk.shtml
http://www.elinfonet.com/starticles/5/9
http://www.californiadiscriminationlaw.com/California-Sexual-Harassment-Law.html
And this one was a PDF file, but I hate PDF files, so here's the HTML
click because the link is long (http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:D-1lyYxFUgkJ:www.ucop.edu/ucophome/coordrev/policy/PP121404policy.pdf+sexual+harassment+laws+in+california&hl=en&client=firefox-a)

When I worked at Wendy's several years ago, there was a guy who had his select "girls". I don't know if he realized he was doing it or not. He used to stand too close to us all the time, say things in Spanish to some of the other guys while giving us the eye... Once I was looking out the drive-through window at night and he leaned on my back and held me out there so I couldn't move, even after I asked him to stop. Once he picked me up and carried me to the breakroom. I bit him and he promptly put me down. The next day he told everyone I'd given him a hicky.

Shortly after that, when I realized one of the other girls was going through similar things, I talked to the manager. I told him I didn't know if the guy was just doing this because he didn't know better, or if he thought he was being suave, or what, but he made me--and the other girl--very uncomfortable. He didn't have a job after that.

IF--IF!!! Time goes by and you feel this guy is actually being creepy to you and the other ladies, I'd at least see if there is anything your boss could do. I know you don't want to cry wolf, but I'd rather you be safe.

*hugs*

[jmeadows.livejournal.com]

Or you could just lighten up

First-- Er, wow. This is J's journal. Who are you to tell her what to do?

Perhaps this guy calling her "dear" is not intentionally patronizing. The problem is, it IS patronizing, whether he means it that way or not.

I've been called "dear" a lot. And "hun", and "darling", and whatever other number of names people use when they can't remember their waitress's name. And you know, there weren't too many times I took it as whoever (male or female, believe it or not) as using it to be offensive. Most of the time it was because they couldn't remember my name, and "hun" is usually more polite than, "hey you!"

The fact is, women don't take everything men do as intended sexual harassment.

Considering this guy seems to have singled out three women to do this to is pretty distrubing to me, and leads me to believe J is NOT overreacting.

Or a bunch of us who've actually been sexually harassed could just be crazy, but I'm guessing not.

[(Anonymous)]

First, babe, I wasn't telling anybody wwhat to do. "Or" was the operative word, as were the words "unintentionally offensive."

Since neither one of us were present and don't know the intent of the speaker, I'd suggest waiting to find out all the facts and not jump to any conclusions about this man's alledged intentions or his manner in using the word "dear."

Maybe he's from the south and is one of those people who touches people when he speaks to them and isn't aware of how offensive his mannerisms are.

It happens.

[slugwriter.livejournal.com]

Shoot, forgot to sign in when I posted and ended up being anonymous. I hate that.

First, babe, I wasn't telling anybody what to do. "Or" was the operative word, as were the words "unintentionally offensive."

Since neither one of us were present and don't know the intent of the speaker, I'd suggest waiting to find out all the facts and not jump to any conclusions about this man's alledged intentions or his manner in using the word "dear."

Maybe he's from the south and is one of those people who touches people when he speaks to them and isn't aware of how offensive his mannerisms are.

It happens.

[jmeadows.livejournal.com]

Please note the lack of jumping in my statements above. I never said he was. It does sound suspicious.

Like I said, I've been called a lot of things that weren't meant anything subversive.

Also, I'm going to pretend the derogetory "babe" thing didn't happen. Just because I know you're trying--badly--to make a point. Except I think you made mine.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, no, no point to be made. I call everybody "babe." Except for those I like.

[stabeest.livejournal.com]

What a jerk. Seriously. Someone needs to invent a time machine and get that man back to the 50's pronto!

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

He was probably born in the early to middle 50's. That's probably where he learned this.

[cicadabug.livejournal.com]

Pat him back and call him "Gramps". That'll put an end to it.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

I fear touching would be construed as sexual harrassment. Women can get called on that as well.

[jmeadows.livejournal.com]

You're right, J, we can. And it'd be hypocritical of you to do the same thing to him.

Just because he has little honor doesn't mean you can't keep yours. *hugs*

[tunskit.livejournal.com]

You should do the same to him. See how long it takes him to get the hint of how annoying it is. Or some variation of dear--darling, sweetie, little one (if he's younger than you).

Honestly, you're probably going to have to say something to his boss, or his boss's boss if the boss is the one he's friends with. If that doesn't work, maybe it's time to look for another job again.

Maybe you should complain about the amount of work you do and see if you get an assistant. :-)

[iagor.livejournal.com]

I found Sugar Breeches works best.