Breaking the Silence

Looks like I'm not ready for the solitary life of a writer.

That didn't last long, did it?

Truth be told, it's because of something that happened yesterday. Several things, actually.

Last night, I was going to rant on my LJ and admit that I needed a hug, but I sat and cried instead, until my oldest son came in and found me and wanted to know what was wrong.

I was feeling very alone last night. My sister (hi, Sis!) is always there with hugs and I appreciate that a lot. However, I've been losing friends lately because of something that happened on a writing list, so I guess I just wanted to make sure my FL was still here. It's amazing how we're able to make friends with people we've never met, isn't it?

For a long time, I had trouble trusting people. Probably because of my parents and my husband. They were all users and abusive, and I guess I never really expected people to like me for who I am because of all the things they told me.

But, I started trusting, strangely, people I don't even know. Maybe I thought it would be easier that way, that I wouldn't get so attached to them since I didn't know them in real life, that they couldn't use me and hurt me and throw me away.

You know what? It hurts just as much when someone you've known in cyberspace for a long time throws you away, too.

Guess I'm just stupid. Guess I should know not to trust. Guess I should know that people don't REALLY like me. I guess that's okay. It just shows me I'm stupid and naive and shouldn't trust. Self-preservation will prevail at some point. I'm sure.

Lately, a lot of things have affected me, and I apologize to the people who think I'm off-base and impatient and get tired of my whining.

Last year, when the world fell apart, I remained pretty strong, I think. I didn't let people know how I felt or even the minute details of what was happening. People were very kind to me, and I have always appreciated that. So many of you came running to my rescue with arms open wide and support that never stopped. I wish I could give you more of an idea of how much you mean to me than mere words in a LJ post.

It was about this time last year that I knew bad things were going to happen. So, I guess it's kind of fitting that bad things have started happening again.

Not the same kind of bad things. Not exactly, though it could end up that way if I'm not very careful.

Something happened yesterday that I'm going to have to restructure my entire life for. Restructuring gets more difficult when you're an approaching 50 single mom with one car, living in LA, and barely getting by. Especially when you already had little time to begin with and guarded those precious minutes so you could spend them with your writing and your hopes of becoming better and maybe even being published some day.

When that time is taken away and your life is thrown into chaos that could result in unemployment again...in less than two weeks time, it's a little stressful.

Okay, so it's a LOT stressful. And, I apologize to those who've said I'm over-reacting and who've said I'm not patient, and who are angry with me for trying to work things out in other areas, just to feel like I'm making some kind of progress in my life.

I was so looking forward to editing Ancient Secrets and splitting it and maybe querying it over the next six months. I was looking forward to writing Phantom Song in April.

Now, I'm facing being gone 14 hours of the day, working on weekends, or being unemployed. Have I looked for another job? Yes. I have. I haven't stopped looking. But, most of them would land me in the same boat I'm getting into now...or pay less. I can't take less. That's impossible.

So, I'm feeling a little hopeless right now. That was the only emotion I could muster yesterday, which made it impossible to even connect with my writing or ideas or anything.

I can't tell if I'm as much of a wreck this morning. I'm shaking, but that could be because I haven't eaten yet. Could be stress, too, I guess.

I must go, though. Have to leave in 5 minutes. It takes me two hours to get down to Santa Ana in rush hour traffic...if the traffic is moving.

However, I think I might be back in my office tomorrow...for a few more days. Sigh. I'm going to miss my friends. People I've worked with for 6-1/2 years now.

I'm going to miss a lot of things.

Mostly the amount of writing I've done in the past.

Thanks for listening. You folks are the best.

Not Quite So Upset, But Oh, So EXHAUSTED!

I was only gone for around 13 hours today. Guess that's an improvement. :)

But, I'm so very tired. I'd love to just sleep, but I was good and took my med and am eating a bowl of stew that my oldest son fixed in the crockpot today. So very, very good. I have to leave to pick him up in about 15 minutes, but I'll probably crash when I get home and shower in the morning.

HUGS and appreciation to my FL for all the support and hugs and concern. I appreciate you folks so much and I'm thankful for all of you taking the time to show support and just for being there and caring. That means so much.

Lots of people asked questions about the situations I mentioned. I don't mind going into more detail over some of what's going on. I don't really want to talk about one situation because it all started from a misunderstanding that could still be a misunderstanding and I don't want to hurt people in the process.

I'll post tomorrow. I'm going to be back in the old office the rest of this week and next week. So, I'll have time to rest (if you call it rest-LOL) and post more. And, write and edit, too, which makes me extremely happy. Cause I won't be spending all the extra hours on the road! Yay!

But, one thing I want to say is that, when I was talking about issues of trust, I wasn't just talking about online people. I was talking about real life too...maybe even moreso.

You see, the situation that's had me all upset has to do with some pretty underhanded deceit. I was just too naive and trusted some people even though I had some doubts about them. Yesterday, when they gave me "the choice" at work (which I'll talk about in the morning), I had the suspicion that this had been planned for a while.

Today, someone at the Santa Ana office came up to me out of the blue (I have discussed this with NO ONE.) and said, "I'm sorry they did this to you." I knew what she was talking about, and she's nice, so I didn't pretend I was ignorant. I just said, "Yeah, it's kinda hard."

So, she went on to elaborate, in great detail, things she'd overheard, and how this had all been planned. Last night, when I was upset, I'd started thinking about certain things that made sense now, that had happened over the past month or two. And, I was right.

These people were intentionally deceitful and put me in this situation ON PURPOSE. And, one of the people is Human Resources, so she could make sure they weren't doing anything that would get them in trouble later.

So, I'm left with some anger toward them. But, all the "I don't know why I trust people," whining from this morning is gone.

Shit happens. What's a person going to do but try to duck when it's flung?

Thank you, my very, very, extremely WONDERFUL friends!!!

::HUGS::

Now, I must go because Kero is eying my stew as only a cat can do!