Breaking the Silence

[queenoftheskies]

Looks like I'm not ready for the solitary life of a writer.

That didn't last long, did it?

Truth be told, it's because of something that happened yesterday. Several things, actually.

Last night, I was going to rant on my LJ and admit that I needed a hug, but I sat and cried instead, until my oldest son came in and found me and wanted to know what was wrong.

I was feeling very alone last night. My sister (hi, Sis!) is always there with hugs and I appreciate that a lot. However, I've been losing friends lately because of something that happened on a writing list, so I guess I just wanted to make sure my FL was still here. It's amazing how we're able to make friends with people we've never met, isn't it?

For a long time, I had trouble trusting people. Probably because of my parents and my husband. They were all users and abusive, and I guess I never really expected people to like me for who I am because of all the things they told me.

But, I started trusting, strangely, people I don't even know. Maybe I thought it would be easier that way, that I wouldn't get so attached to them since I didn't know them in real life, that they couldn't use me and hurt me and throw me away.

You know what? It hurts just as much when someone you've known in cyberspace for a long time throws you away, too.

Guess I'm just stupid. Guess I should know not to trust. Guess I should know that people don't REALLY like me. I guess that's okay. It just shows me I'm stupid and naive and shouldn't trust. Self-preservation will prevail at some point. I'm sure.

Lately, a lot of things have affected me, and I apologize to the people who think I'm off-base and impatient and get tired of my whining.

Last year, when the world fell apart, I remained pretty strong, I think. I didn't let people know how I felt or even the minute details of what was happening. People were very kind to me, and I have always appreciated that. So many of you came running to my rescue with arms open wide and support that never stopped. I wish I could give you more of an idea of how much you mean to me than mere words in a LJ post.

It was about this time last year that I knew bad things were going to happen. So, I guess it's kind of fitting that bad things have started happening again.

Not the same kind of bad things. Not exactly, though it could end up that way if I'm not very careful.

Something happened yesterday that I'm going to have to restructure my entire life for. Restructuring gets more difficult when you're an approaching 50 single mom with one car, living in LA, and barely getting by. Especially when you already had little time to begin with and guarded those precious minutes so you could spend them with your writing and your hopes of becoming better and maybe even being published some day.

When that time is taken away and your life is thrown into chaos that could result in unemployment again...in less than two weeks time, it's a little stressful.

Okay, so it's a LOT stressful. And, I apologize to those who've said I'm over-reacting and who've said I'm not patient, and who are angry with me for trying to work things out in other areas, just to feel like I'm making some kind of progress in my life.

I was so looking forward to editing Ancient Secrets and splitting it and maybe querying it over the next six months. I was looking forward to writing Phantom Song in April.

Now, I'm facing being gone 14 hours of the day, working on weekends, or being unemployed. Have I looked for another job? Yes. I have. I haven't stopped looking. But, most of them would land me in the same boat I'm getting into now...or pay less. I can't take less. That's impossible.

So, I'm feeling a little hopeless right now. That was the only emotion I could muster yesterday, which made it impossible to even connect with my writing or ideas or anything.

I can't tell if I'm as much of a wreck this morning. I'm shaking, but that could be because I haven't eaten yet. Could be stress, too, I guess.

I must go, though. Have to leave in 5 minutes. It takes me two hours to get down to Santa Ana in rush hour traffic...if the traffic is moving.

However, I think I might be back in my office tomorrow...for a few more days. Sigh. I'm going to miss my friends. People I've worked with for 6-1/2 years now.

I'm going to miss a lot of things.

Mostly the amount of writing I've done in the past.

Thanks for listening. You folks are the best.

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. There's a lot going on here that I don't know enough to comment on, but...pieces of it sound familiar.

But I don't believe for a second that people don't really like you. Maybe people don't appreciate you, and I know how much that can hurt, but that's _their_ loss. I really like you, your enthusiasm and your helpfulness.

Take care, eh?

[tunskit.livejournal.com]

There are always going to be asshats in life, whether in real life or online. You can't let a few jerks make it impossible to trust anyone. And I agree--it's their loss if they want to hurt or discard you for whatever reason. Idiots.

[dancingwriter.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I wish there were something I could do, some magic advice I could hand you. Just try not to get too down on yourself--it seems to me you have a lot of strength; you've gotten through bad times before, and you can get through them again. Meanwhile, ***hugs***

[winters-edge.livejournal.com]

I didn't see your post last night. I'm sorry.

I have no idea what happened that caused you to feel you can't trust online, but despite my own online tragedies, there are still good people out here who care. I care. I told your sister the other day I was thinking about you and how difficult things have been for you of late.

Sometimes, progress isn't measured by how far forward we've gone, but the fact that we haven't stepped back from things that frighten most others away. You've done so much, and keep finding ways to do more than many could, and you need to be proud of that. I know I think you're amazing, and inspiring, too.

There are people who care. They just tend to be quiet in comparison to those who want to hurt you, and sometimes, you have to let them know you need them so they can speak up.

Be well.

[elialshadowpine.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

I hope things start settling out for you soon. I don't know what happened with the person online, but I can say -- I've had people who were mentors and friends turn on and betray me in some of the worst possible ways. I've had people I loved, who I thought loved me too, turn out to be completely different people than what I thought. Yeah. It's hard to trust sometimes.

But for every person who's hurt me, there have been other, amazing people who have been there for me through hell and beyond, who truly do care. I don't know what I'd do without them.

It's risk, yes ... but anytime you trust anyone, RL or online, it's a risk. Personally, for me, the rewards when it works out are worth the risk.

*hugs you*

I don't think you're being whiny. You've got a lot of crap going on, and you're trying to deal with it as best as you can. Frankly, I think you're doing a damn good job. And sometimes... reaching out for help is a greater act of strength then trying to hold it all in.

Take care, hon. We care about you.

[tamlyn.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry you are going through all this stuff.

I hope at some point soon, you will be able to look at all this from a distance, and be able to find some healing.

[roseyniswitrin.livejournal.com]

Oh, Janice. I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. You will be in my prayers, and I will ask that Infinite Spirit open up the best possible scenario for you so that you can truly fulfill your mission in life.

Be well, and know that we are here, sending love.

[jmeadows.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. They never seem to get easier, huh?

I am always here if you want to talk.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

All I can say is that I hope things start to look up for you soon. It may be tough going, but I get the feeling that what you're doing is right by yours kids and by yourself.

[cicadabug.livejournal.com]

You know, I've been thinking about a lot of these same things lately, our lives having several parallels.

I think, as devastating as it is to lose a friend either in real life or online, especially if said friendship implodes suddenly, I don't think I want to be the sort of person who doesn't trust, who doesn't leave myself open to the occasional hurt. Yes, it sucks, but the alternative is worse. And by being open, I've made friends who I would not know how to live without. It's a worthwhile, if never easy, tradeoff. And yeah, it's bitten me hard on the ass a couple of times too )-:

I don't know you. I've never met you, I don't know what you look like, I've only ever seen one side of you, which is the side you present via LJ. But what I have seen leads me to believe, with a fair degree of certainty, that you are an honest and caring person, that you post about things that are genuine and important to you. I don't know what happened on the writer's list, but I have trouble thinking it was through a fault of your own.

As to the job misery and the writing: seems to me these folks aren't treating you very well. Piss-poor might be a better phrase. I'd say, keep an eye out for a better opportunity, and hang in there in the meantime. Is moving out of LA an option? Have you considered getting some sort of voice-recorder? They're handy for talking out story ideas while driving without needing your hands.

Anyhow, I'm sending you my best thoughts and wishes for life to get better for you again soon. It's tough when it's all on your shoulders and no-one to back you up, but you *do* have friends, even if some of us you've never met (-:

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

I'm really, really sorry things have gotten worse. I wish I had a magic wand to fix it for you.

For what it is worth, the people who I trust most in the entire world are people I met through the OWW and online. Sometimes the family you make is the best, right one for you. Trusting is never wrong.

And in my book, you still are strong. Even strong people reach the point they need help or the burdens they are asked to carry are too much for one person.

[marksiegal.livejournal.com]

Man, I really hope things get better for you soon. *hugs*

Your word counts have been an inspiration. But you'll be no less inspiring if/when those word counts shrink. Writing at all is what counts. Even if it's five minutes a day, even if it's one hour a month. To manage that in the face of life's crap, that's the real inspiration.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I wish there was someway I could help make it all better.

[mssrcrankypants.livejournal.com]

I find the whole friending and unfriending process both here at el Jay and elsewhere online a frustrating and baffling process. In both arenas, I've been given the cold shoulder for saying something merely less than complimentary in a review or comment about a book. Sometimes I've been "defriended" by the author/editor him/herself, other times by that person's friends.

It seems to me that if people can't take criticism, they ought not to be involved in writing for the public. This is especially true in crit groups, and I've found online groups to be especially filled with the oversensitive and those desperate for affirmation and corroboration, not for improvement.

Ultimately, I find it hard to consider people I know strictly online as real friends; I tend to consider them friendly acquaintances, even when they're at their most supportive. The distancing nature of the medium and the physical separation together make the same level of connection as real life friends impossible. I do occasionally make comments of a supportive or commiseratory nature on posts and threads, but they always seem hollow to my own ears, no matter how heartfelt. Or they feel like trite platitudes in part due to a lack of tone and inflection.

Sorry for the long ramble, but I guess my point is that yes, it does hurt when someone online rejects you when you feel you've come to know that person, but you have to remember that it's NOT the same as when it happens to someone with whom you've physically shared experiences. It's sometime not easy to see it from that objective standpoint, but I believe it's true. I hope things work themseleves out for you, and as buymeaclue said, there's a lot here, I'm sure, that I don't know enough about to properly respond. But you have my best wishes at any rate.

[shanrina.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[lizziebelle.livejournal.com]

It seems to be a time for change right now, which (according to some friends) often happens around the equinoxes. I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time. I know what you mean about online friends; there are some that I've known only online for years, and feel as close to as people I know in the flesh. Many of my LJ friends are as dear to me as family. I can't imagine how devastating it would be if one of them suddenly turned on me.

Take strength where you can, and know that a whole lot of people do care about you!

[tunskit.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a sucky situation, Janice. Have you thought about relocating elsewhere, to an area that isn't as expensive as L.A.? I know you have kids in school, so it might not be feasible. If I'm interpreting correctly, it sounds like you're going to be stuck in the Santa Ana office. Is a move closer to Santa Ana possible?

Do you have a laptop? That two-hour commute might be a good time to catch up on some of your writing. If you don't have a laptop, I know you can get a used one for around $200. It's not new or top-of-the-line, but it works for me, and I use it primarily for writing and email. If you're interested, I can find the site again where I bought the Dell Latitude CPi.

Good luck. I hope something works out soon for you. Changes always seem to come at the worst time, especially the bad kind.

[aeriedraconia.livejournal.com]

I hope you get to feeling better about everything soon.

I'm going to pick up and run with a couple of things.
One, keep looking around for another job. You may find what you need and that would ultimately help heaps.

Two, if you look back and notice that you tend to crash and burn around this time of year you might consider talking to your doctor about depression and Seasonal Affected (Affective?) Disorder AKA SAD, the winter blahs or the winter blues the next time you go in.

You might ask your doc about Adrenal fatigue and cortisol levels too. These things run hand and glove with menopausal and insulin resistant women.
Also, how's your thyroid?

If your body is out of harmony it can make everything feel so horrible.

[houseboatonstyx.livejournal.com]

To Janice....

What everyone else has said.... It sounds like a situation that needs to change asap.

In the meantime, there are lots of voice recording devices and some that will change the voice to text. Also, once when I was having to spend days without being able to write anything down, I learned to go over and over writing stuff in my mind, so that when I got home I could just write it down as fast as I could type.

To aeriedraconia ....

Two, if you look back and notice that you tend to crash and burn around this time of year you might consider talking to your doctor about depression and Seasonal Affected (Affective?) Disorder AKA SAD, the winter blahs or the winter blues the next time you go in.

Why would this happen now that winter is over (in LA)? I knew someone who patterned that way, and I always wondered.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

Two, if you look back and notice that you tend to crash and burn around this time of year you might consider talking to your doctor about depression and Seasonal Affected (Affective?) Disorder AKA SAD, the winter blahs or the winter blues the next time you go in.

I forget that not everyone on my FL was on my FL this time last year. Lots of people know what happened. What I'm referring to has nothing to do with depression or medical/mental conditions.

This time last year, the owner of the company I worked for took so much money out of the company that he stopped paying the employees, the company went under, a Receiver came in and took over. (I'd worked there for 5-1/2 years at the time. I was the Controller and had been through hell trying to keep the company afloat in spite of his spending.)

Then, the owner filed for bankruptcy and the Receivership was changed to a Trusteeship. An outside company that wanted to purchase the company came in to run it.

We went back to work for a week (after no pay for three weeks and then a few weeks of unemployment), then were off for two more weeks because of a technicality.

The new company ran the place for about 6 weeks, then discovered the Trustee wasn't paying the bills, so we were all out again. Except that they kept me another week or two to answer financial questions, etc.

Then, we were back on unemployment for three weeks.

THEN...the court auction was finally held and the new company PURCHASED the old company.

In order to be employed, I had to take a $17,000/year cut in pay. But, when you're way behind on your bills, you do what you have to.

That's the company I work for now.

And, this new trouble is popping up about the time the worst of the trouble started with the OLD company last year.

That's the connection between this year and last year.

[aeriedraconia.livejournal.com]

Fewer daylight hours in the winter, less sun (even LA gets cloudy weather), less time spent outdoors getting natural light because it's chilly, lower activity levels...

The end of winter beginning of spring happens to be particularly frustrating for me because the promise of warmer weather and more sun is dangled in front of me but just out of reach. Not to mention it gets dark at about 6 pm rather than the delicious 9:30 of midsummer.

[frigg.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear your life is so difficult at the moment. Hopefully, you will manage to find a better job or otherwise improve your situation. I'll be thinking of you.

[i-amsherlocked.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear!
I'm not sure what's actually happening, but whatever does happen, you have a f-List full of those who love you!
Even if we haven't met in real life.
Just think, most of us haven't met you in r-l, but we all feel like you are a wonderful, kind, loving, inspiring, amazing woman and a great mom to boot! We get that from your writing, where there is no tone and inflection. You give that gift to us on a daily basis when you share your thoughts, weather they be sad, happy, tired or excited.
Allow us to give a little of that back by supporting you in your hard times. You can lean on us!
::hugs::

I don't know if you're looking for suggestions or ideas. My natural tendency is to want to help or to fix a problem. So if you're just wanting to vent, and I'm stepping over the line, please let me know!

I don't know if moving can be an option for you because of the kids and school, etc, but....
I have a friend who is a manager for this company (http://www.dakousa.com/index/career_nationaljobopportunities.htm). She says they need a couple of positions filled that aren't on this list that might be the sort of work you'd be interested in. She also said that they offer whole family health benefits after 30 days of employment. (I remember you saying that no health insurance for the kids was a concern)

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are out there for you! ::hugs::

[renakuzar.livejournal.com]

Hugs and hope! You're not alone and we'll be here for you when you need us!

[(Anonymous)]

::hugs:: Us LJ friends can't be there in person to offer heartbeats and warm arms and tears, but we do care. We want you to succeed, whatever your goal is, whether it's being published or just surviving the week.

Whenever you're faced with disaster, remember that nothing - not the bad, not the good - lasts forever. Change is the one constant in this universe of ours. Right now you see gloom ahead, but that, too, will change.

Know that my good thoughts are with you. ::hugs::

[dsgood.livejournal.com]

On friends (on or off line): I think the Pareto Principle applies. One form of the Pareto Principle is:

Eighty percent of a business's profits come from twenty percent of the customers.

Eighty percent of the problems come from twenty percent of the customers.

It's not the same twenty percent, and there's little or no overlap.

Aside from that: Good thoughts headed your way.

[kythiaranos.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

*more hugs*

I can't fix anything, but I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[ammepyre.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Sorry to here things are getting worse. I know you've been struggling with writing and other things for a while and even if I haven't been commenting - I've still been thinking about you and hoping things would calm down for you. :-( Life just never wants to cut anyone a break does it?

[dragonmyst.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, I don't know the details but it sounds to me as if you have every right to be concerned. And the fact this same time last year... man. {{{Hugs and e-snuggles}}} I may not be the best at commenting to my flist these days, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk, well hey here I am! Take care, hang in there and know that you do have people who love you even if we've never seen you.


{{{more huggles}}}

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

We may not always respond, but we do listen. :)

[horace-hamster.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. It sounds like you're getting hammered from every direction. My sympathies.

There are jerks everywhere. This does not mean that all people are jerks. If someone acts like a jerk to you, this relects badly on =them=, not =you=. Don't give anyone the power to make you feel bad about yourself, because no one, and certainly not a jerk, can earn or deserve that power.

Is relocation a possibility?

[horace-hamster.livejournal.com]

ack! "reflects", not "relects." MUSTSPELLCHECKMUSTSPELLCHECKMUSTSPELLCHECK

[dracschick.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[navicat.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear that :(

Hang in there, like I know you can. And you'll be in my thoughts, I just wish I could do something more usefull than that!

*HUGS*

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Just keep breathing. Something good will happen. Not always the thing you expect, or the thing you want, but something good.