HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!

To one and all!

You folks wearing green today? Doing anything special to celebrate?

I was going to cook corned beef and cabbage in my crock pot today, but Papa John's is having a "buy two, get one free" on their large specialty pizzas for St. Patrick's Day, so kids want that instead.

Maybe I'll fix the corned beef on Sunday. I love corned beef.

What are you folks going to do?

Understanding My Problem With Writing and Angst

Okay, so I think I've finally come to terms with the reason I stop writing--or my writing piddles down to very few words--while I'm upset and/or I have bad things/upsetting things going on in my life.

What I really couldn't put a finger on at first was how it differed from writer's block, because I knew it wasn't writer's block.

I have words. I have words ALL the time. I have ideas too. TONS of them. Words and ideas NEVER go away...even when I'm not writing.

However, the complication comes in actually forcing myself to write during chaos...mental, physical, spiritual...whatever kind I might be dealing with. Sometimes, I continue like nothing has happened. Often, though, I'm affected.

January was a really good month for me. I wrote almost 100,000 words. I finished a novel. I enjoyed the month.

February was very disappointing. Probably moreso because I was experiencing acute frustration and couldn't really figure out what was wrong with me.

March, to date, has been mostly that way, though I did have a few good days before disaster/unpleasant things set in again.

The key to the problem is that it's not one or two things that set this type of behavior off in me. It has to be a multitude of things that descend at once.

These days, there are about three or four running problems that I can't get rid of for any length of time. Then, there have been others that have popped up. And, finally, there are the types of problems caused by interaction with people and their priorities/attitudes. Add them all together, and sometimes, things are downright miserable.

Lack of sleep and being constantly busy probably keep me from handling the mix as well as I could.

But, I've discovered three reasons that I stop writing or have less words while I'm dealing with these kinds of problems.

1. To reduce the stress on myself in ONE place I can control. Yes, I could crank those words out. I could stay up late, I could squeak them in, I could use every single spare second I have. But, when I'm already stressed like I have been lately, I've realized that something has to give somewhere. I don't want it to be in my writing...but I don't want to have a stroke or a heart attack, either.

2. Because when I write while things suck, I feel like the words suck and I get very upset and discouraged. Down on myself and my story and my writing in general.

Do the words usually suck? Not usually. But, if they do, they don't usually suck that much and are easily fixed.

However, it's a mentality that I have difficulty fighting while I'm already crashed and burned.

3. I lose the most important factor in my writing, the thing that keeps me going, the thing that allows me to crank out 100,000 words in a month and allows me to fall deeply in love with the characters and the story I'm telling.

I lose my emotional link. I lose my ability to FEEL the characters and the emotions and the story. Which, of course, in turn, affects my words and the flow of the story itself.

In essence, while the sh*t is hitting the fan, my muse ducks and covers. She runs to hide because she knows that all the emotional turmoil I'm going through can damage her...maybe, at some point, beyond repair. She knows she's my heart and my soul, the creative part of me, the joy in living and loving and just being.

And, when she hides, I throw up shields around myself to try to block out the hurt and the pain. Or maybe she hides BECAUSE I do that.

People don't care if they hurt others. That's just a fact of life. I can tell people that I don't want to go through the turmoil they're creating, but they don't listen. They don't care. Everybody wants everything THEIR way. Sometimes, people won't even let me back up, take a step away until things are better again.

So, what I could FEEL before, I write without feeling when I'm going through crap...and that makes me very, very, VERY unhappy...which adds to everything else.

I have too much in my life and some of it has to go, unless it changes. That's the only way to fix things long-term.

But, for now, recognizing what I'm going through might help me combat it and work through it.

Do I want my muse to hide? I don't know. Not as much as she has been doing, that's for sure.

She peeked out today and we had a good hurt together and now she's crying inside me cause we've come up with a couple of really sad scenes we're going to write. Maybe tonight. Maybe this weekend.

Not therapeutic scenes. A couple of scenes I actually need for Xanali and Guardian Force. So, we're going to be productive. :)

Then, we'll see what we can work out from there, cause I don't want to continue this way.

Things will ease up a little in a month. Got some pressures going away at that point. In May and June, a couple more things will ease up for a while.

Now, I just have to tackle the work problems, people problems, and a couple other things that never seem to go away.

Whew! I think I've got my work cut out for me.

I hope I don't loose the mood for these scenes before I get home. Notes aren't the same thing as a mood and wouldn't frame the scenes the way I want them to be.

Good Night, Live Journal

We have rain. I love rain.

I watched Dr. Who on Sci Fi Channel tonight and have decided that I'm hooked. I enjoyed it a lot.

I have a few words tonight. Maybe 1,000. A little more, I think. Maybe 1,100. On three things. But, I am sooo tired that I'm going to sleep and post totals tomorrow.

Night, everybody!

Sleep good.