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queenoftheskiesOkay, so I think I've finally come to terms with the reason I stop writing--or my writing piddles down to very few words--while I'm upset and/or I have bad things/upsetting things going on in my life.
What I really couldn't put a finger on at first was how it differed from writer's block, because I knew it wasn't writer's block.
I have words. I have words ALL the time. I have ideas too. TONS of them. Words and ideas NEVER go away...even when I'm not writing.
However, the complication comes in actually forcing myself to write during chaos...mental, physical, spiritual...whatever kind I might be dealing with. Sometimes, I continue like nothing has happened. Often, though, I'm affected.
January was a really good month for me. I wrote almost 100,000 words. I finished a novel. I enjoyed the month.
February was very disappointing. Probably moreso because I was experiencing acute frustration and couldn't really figure out what was wrong with me.
March, to date, has been mostly that way, though I did have a few good days before disaster/unpleasant things set in again.
The key to the problem is that it's not one or two things that set this type of behavior off in me. It has to be a multitude of things that descend at once.
These days, there are about three or four running problems that I can't get rid of for any length of time. Then, there have been others that have popped up. And, finally, there are the types of problems caused by interaction with people and their priorities/attitudes. Add them all together, and sometimes, things are downright miserable.
Lack of sleep and being constantly busy probably keep me from handling the mix as well as I could.
But, I've discovered three reasons that I stop writing or have less words while I'm dealing with these kinds of problems.
1. To reduce the stress on myself in ONE place I can control. Yes, I could crank those words out. I could stay up late, I could squeak them in, I could use every single spare second I have. But, when I'm already stressed like I have been lately, I've realized that something has to give somewhere. I don't want it to be in my writing...but I don't want to have a stroke or a heart attack, either.
2. Because when I write while things suck, I feel like the words suck and I get very upset and discouraged. Down on myself and my story and my writing in general.
Do the words usually suck? Not usually. But, if they do, they don't usually suck that much and are easily fixed.
However, it's a mentality that I have difficulty fighting while I'm already crashed and burned.
3. I lose the most important factor in my writing, the thing that keeps me going, the thing that allows me to crank out 100,000 words in a month and allows me to fall deeply in love with the characters and the story I'm telling.
I lose my emotional link. I lose my ability to FEEL the characters and the emotions and the story. Which, of course, in turn, affects my words and the flow of the story itself.
In essence, while the sh*t is hitting the fan, my muse ducks and covers. She runs to hide because she knows that all the emotional turmoil I'm going through can damage her...maybe, at some point, beyond repair. She knows she's my heart and my soul, the creative part of me, the joy in living and loving and just being.
And, when she hides, I throw up shields around myself to try to block out the hurt and the pain. Or maybe she hides BECAUSE I do that.
People don't care if they hurt others. That's just a fact of life. I can tell people that I don't want to go through the turmoil they're creating, but they don't listen. They don't care. Everybody wants everything THEIR way. Sometimes, people won't even let me back up, take a step away until things are better again.
So, what I could FEEL before, I write without feeling when I'm going through crap...and that makes me very, very, VERY unhappy...which adds to everything else.
I have too much in my life and some of it has to go, unless it changes. That's the only way to fix things long-term.
But, for now, recognizing what I'm going through might help me combat it and work through it.
Do I want my muse to hide? I don't know. Not as much as she has been doing, that's for sure.
She peeked out today and we had a good hurt together and now she's crying inside me cause we've come up with a couple of really sad scenes we're going to write. Maybe tonight. Maybe this weekend.
Not therapeutic scenes. A couple of scenes I actually need for Xanali and Guardian Force. So, we're going to be productive. :)
Then, we'll see what we can work out from there, cause I don't want to continue this way.
Things will ease up a little in a month. Got some pressures going away at that point. In May and June, a couple more things will ease up for a while.
Now, I just have to tackle the work problems, people problems, and a couple other things that never seem to go away.
Whew! I think I've got my work cut out for me.
I hope I don't loose the mood for these scenes before I get home. Notes aren't the same thing as a mood and wouldn't frame the scenes the way I want them to be.
What I really couldn't put a finger on at first was how it differed from writer's block, because I knew it wasn't writer's block.
I have words. I have words ALL the time. I have ideas too. TONS of them. Words and ideas NEVER go away...even when I'm not writing.
However, the complication comes in actually forcing myself to write during chaos...mental, physical, spiritual...whatever kind I might be dealing with. Sometimes, I continue like nothing has happened. Often, though, I'm affected.
January was a really good month for me. I wrote almost 100,000 words. I finished a novel. I enjoyed the month.
February was very disappointing. Probably moreso because I was experiencing acute frustration and couldn't really figure out what was wrong with me.
March, to date, has been mostly that way, though I did have a few good days before disaster/unpleasant things set in again.
The key to the problem is that it's not one or two things that set this type of behavior off in me. It has to be a multitude of things that descend at once.
These days, there are about three or four running problems that I can't get rid of for any length of time. Then, there have been others that have popped up. And, finally, there are the types of problems caused by interaction with people and their priorities/attitudes. Add them all together, and sometimes, things are downright miserable.
Lack of sleep and being constantly busy probably keep me from handling the mix as well as I could.
But, I've discovered three reasons that I stop writing or have less words while I'm dealing with these kinds of problems.
1. To reduce the stress on myself in ONE place I can control. Yes, I could crank those words out. I could stay up late, I could squeak them in, I could use every single spare second I have. But, when I'm already stressed like I have been lately, I've realized that something has to give somewhere. I don't want it to be in my writing...but I don't want to have a stroke or a heart attack, either.
2. Because when I write while things suck, I feel like the words suck and I get very upset and discouraged. Down on myself and my story and my writing in general.
Do the words usually suck? Not usually. But, if they do, they don't usually suck that much and are easily fixed.
However, it's a mentality that I have difficulty fighting while I'm already crashed and burned.
3. I lose the most important factor in my writing, the thing that keeps me going, the thing that allows me to crank out 100,000 words in a month and allows me to fall deeply in love with the characters and the story I'm telling.
I lose my emotional link. I lose my ability to FEEL the characters and the emotions and the story. Which, of course, in turn, affects my words and the flow of the story itself.
In essence, while the sh*t is hitting the fan, my muse ducks and covers. She runs to hide because she knows that all the emotional turmoil I'm going through can damage her...maybe, at some point, beyond repair. She knows she's my heart and my soul, the creative part of me, the joy in living and loving and just being.
And, when she hides, I throw up shields around myself to try to block out the hurt and the pain. Or maybe she hides BECAUSE I do that.
People don't care if they hurt others. That's just a fact of life. I can tell people that I don't want to go through the turmoil they're creating, but they don't listen. They don't care. Everybody wants everything THEIR way. Sometimes, people won't even let me back up, take a step away until things are better again.
So, what I could FEEL before, I write without feeling when I'm going through crap...and that makes me very, very, VERY unhappy...which adds to everything else.
I have too much in my life and some of it has to go, unless it changes. That's the only way to fix things long-term.
But, for now, recognizing what I'm going through might help me combat it and work through it.
Do I want my muse to hide? I don't know. Not as much as she has been doing, that's for sure.
She peeked out today and we had a good hurt together and now she's crying inside me cause we've come up with a couple of really sad scenes we're going to write. Maybe tonight. Maybe this weekend.
Not therapeutic scenes. A couple of scenes I actually need for Xanali and Guardian Force. So, we're going to be productive. :)
Then, we'll see what we can work out from there, cause I don't want to continue this way.
Things will ease up a little in a month. Got some pressures going away at that point. In May and June, a couple more things will ease up for a while.
Now, I just have to tackle the work problems, people problems, and a couple other things that never seem to go away.
Whew! I think I've got my work cut out for me.
I hope I don't loose the mood for these scenes before I get home. Notes aren't the same thing as a mood and wouldn't frame the scenes the way I want them to be.
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no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 06:49 pm (UTC)You finished a novel in January and didn't take February off?
Well, honey, no wonder you're tired!
Creative work is fun and all but it *is* work and it wears you out physically. After finishing a major task like that, it's a good idea to, nap, rest, go fallow, replenish the psychic well, pet your inner cat, whatever.
Spend some time in the rest of your life, and never fear, they'll come back and be great big pests when you're trying to copyedit.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 07:14 pm (UTC)::wibbles:: Not Naia? ::cries::
no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 07:20 pm (UTC)However, they do have to do with her being dead.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 07:46 pm (UTC)Also, AI is sucking, I can't connect to the mail server, and I can BARELY get web pages to load. So, if you don't hear from me anymore today, that's why. ::stabbities AI::
no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 07:27 pm (UTC)Too bad we can't just Jedi-mind-trick everyone into behaving like decent human beings.
You do need a break, eh!
no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 08:06 pm (UTC)But it seems you do so many words almost every day, you're so productive. Maybe you deserve some time off. What about using those 'don't want to write new stuff' times for polishing stuff already done? (That often gets people warmed up so they feel like doing new stuff after all -- they call it 'rolling revisions'.)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 09:54 pm (UTC)If I have writing spurts, writing 5000 words a day constantly, I usually take a month off after that, to allow my mind to recover. I do so much better on 1000 to 1500 words a day, and then constantly, daily.
Lately I have settled in my writing rhythm, and that feels SO good :)
Sounds like you've figured some things out........
Date: 2006-03-18 03:06 am (UTC)*hugs*
chris
no subject
Date: 2006-03-18 09:20 pm (UTC)I do the same thing, put up shields, protect my muse. Because she is so afraid that emotions put on the page will be misinterpreted as part of real life and then the blame and then the anger and then I really don't want to write.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to get any easier, at least for me. So I force myself to write and then I don't like the words on the page, just as you said happens to you.
The hardest thing is to go back and edit and edit and try to put back what's missing. Usually I reach a point where I admit the whole thing is unfixable and start over, and then realize I've blown all that time for nothing, and then I don't want to write at all for fear of wasting my time.
Then I miss writing and another cycle begins.
This is why I can barely write 50,000 a year, not 100,000 a month.