Oh the Horror of it All!!!

[queenoftheskies]

I guess I have to admit it now. I've put off admitting it for two days cause I was really sure I'd shake it off.

I haven't shaken it off, so I guess I have to admit it.

I'm BLOCKED!!! Waaaaaaaaaaah!

There. My whining is over. Now, I have to do something about it.

I NEVER get blocked. I just...don't.

I write through EVERYTHING. Through exhausted and stressed and not having ideas. Nothing ever stops me from writing. Sometimes, overtime slows me down a little, but nothing has actually STOPPED me...made me grind to a HALT...like this.

Now, granted, I AM working overtime, and will probably have to work tomorrow. But, it's only like 10 hour days. It's not the 12-13 hour ones I was working in December. And, yes, I'm tired. But, STILL...

That's NOT it.

Sniffle...

I still WANT to write. Does that count?

I still have ideas. I guess I actually have words, too.

But, when I sit down and open files up, I feel...

How do I feel?

Okay, so the "no market for my work" comment hurt more than I admitted, I guess. And, I got it into my head that my current stuff wouldn't work the way they are...even though they're only ROUGH drafts.

So, I started rethinking and replotting things and created so many questions and doubts in my head that nothing will work.

I managed a paragraph or two last night, but that's it. Not even enough to count the words.

I'm not sure how to work myself out of it. Yes, I could sit down and FORCE myself to write. I can MAKE the words and the sentences come out, but the PROBLEM is that I'm not sure it's worth it. THAT is what I have to combat. The feeling that it's a waste of time cause it won't work and that I need to spend my time figuring out what WILL. But, I don't know what will cause I don't know why what I wrote to begin with WON'T work.

I can theorize.

I write a strange combination of contemporary fantasy and sci-fi.

I have magic-using aliens on Earth.

I have ancient civilizations.

I have monsters.

And, now, somebody has made me feel like I write B FLICKS instead of novels!!!!!!!!!

Made me feel like people are going to...sniffle...LAUGH AT ME!!!!

And, the novels are supposed to be serious...not funny.

And, somehow, I managed to transform the comment that there was no market for my material (even though they said it was written well) into the thought that it's something I have to "fix"...so I feel like I have to present them in...I don't know...a more "professional" manner? Or that I'm DOING SOMETHING WRONG. I don't know. I'm confused.

VERY confused.

All the comments to my post yesterday helped. They helped LOTS. And, on an intellectual level, I'm okay with it all now, I think.

So, why won't the writing part of my brain let go of it???

Why won't it allow me to continue on with what I was doing?

Why does it tell me now that I need to turn Rosemont into something else? That the idea was sucky anyway? That it needs to be different? That...that...my writing is too simple and unsophisticated and too character driven and that...that...

My writing sucks. :(

But, I can fix it. :)

But, I don't know how to fix it. :(

But, I can fix it if I can figure out how. :)

But, I'm not writing. :(

So, how can I fix it if I'm not writing? :(

I miss writing. I miss going with the flow and letting it take me to fascinating places. To icky, eerie places. Through hard times for the characters. Through the promise of good times for the characters. To meet new characters and journey new places with them. To combat old fears. And old enemies. To win. To lose. To get up and try again...and again...and again...

They can't do any of that if I'm not writing.

Sigh...

A screenwriting professional once told me that I had the curse of being a creative soul trapped in an accountant's body. For an accountant, everything is either black or white...right or wrong. There is no gray, there is no in between.

In writing, there are so many subtle shades of gray, so many right ways--ways that might be right for one person and wrong for another

But, hmm, maybe what it all boils down to is that someone just gave my internal critic/editor all the ammunition she needed to paralyze me. And, she has. She's having a glorious time of this.

I must find a way to write. I MUST write. For, if I don't write, a part of me dies.

Comments

[navicat.livejournal.com]

Hang in there! Don't you dare give up! Take a break if you need it, write something different, watch an anime marathon...whatever it takes. And remember you've got lots of wonderful writing friends who believe in you!

I know the place you're at. I've been there too. You've got to be stronger than that place! Don't let it get you!

Oh, and ignore the 'no market' person!

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

I'm trying very hard to be strong, but I just keep thinking that I not only have to battle not being good enough, but now I'm fighting the not being marketable fear, too.

And, you know what? That won't stop me from loving my characters and stories. And, it won't ultimately stop me from writing on them. It'll just make me give up the hope of ever reaching out to others with my stories, if I don't beat it now.

I do have lots of wonderful writing friends, don't I? I never had this many writing friends until I joined LJ. I had some. But, there are so many now. I LOVE being in touch with so many writers. Learning from so many. Hearing words of wisdom.

I only hope that some day, I can encourage everyone and help them out of tough spots, like everyone has helped me. :)