queenoftheskies

That just dawned on me yesterday. I guess I must be a pretty clueless person.

I'd never considered myself a workaholic...I'd always called it responsible. Now, I'm wondering what it really is.

I feel responsible as a mom. I go out of my way to try really hard to be responsible as a mom because I'm really mom and dad both and, as such, I try to do the work of BOTH parents.

I feel responsible as a Controller. I feel like I need to try to take care of the company and the people who work there...especially when people who are supposed to be responsible, aren't.

I feel responsible as a writer. And, while that doesn't affect anyone but ME, it affects me hugely. Writing is my life. It's a part of me. It's who I am. And, yes, I think I'm a workaholic even in that.

But, I'm also ambitious and hard-working and I really want to succeed. On the other hand, I'm a perfectionist with no hope of ever being perfect. And, I think maybe that's part of what keeps driving me harder and harder. The fact that I know I have to work harder than everyone else because I'm NOT perfect. Maybe I'm not even very good at what I do.

There must be a happy medium out there somewhere. I think I must find it. I've been going full force for so long now that it's what people expect from me. Even worse, it's what I expect from myself.

I need some rest. I need some recreation.

Sigh...I wish I was good at the things I do.