queenoftheskies

Nov. 25th, 2006

Was a difficult one for me as a writer.

There were times I wanted to trash my novel.

There were times I just wanted to give up.

There were times I wanted to throw out the novels and just write screenplays where I don't doubt myself quite so much.

I knew that if I stopped working on my novel, it was over. So I kept turning out word after word after word, telling myself the scene would be over and I'd move onto the next. And the next. And the next.

I've had doubts and insecurities before, but OMG, this year has done HORRIBLE things to me. Absolutely horrible.

These things have made their way into the way I perceive myself as a writer and the way I look at my writing too. And, they've made it hard for me to be objective and look ahead.

I'm trying to work my way out of it, but sometimes, it overcomes me and I don't know what to do.

Except keep writing. And write more. And more.

I WILL finish this novel. I'm going to TRY to finish it this weekend.

This will be the first novel I've finished since January, when I finished one that I ended up splitting into two betcause it was long and had a natural break.

Yes, three novels for the year is good progress (though, in all honesty, the one that was split was the one I began in NaNo last year). But, not like the progress I had last year. I can do better.

If I can just figure out what to do about these doubts that plague me and figure out why I let people mess with my mind. How do I stop them from messing with my mind? How do I stop caring about what they say and still remain open to what other, less destructive people, say?

I don't know yet.

So far, today seems a little better. I'm at least pleased with my progress to date and I'm not judgmental. Yet. But, that's all I can ask for after a day like yesterday.

I'm getting ready to go to breakfast. Take part of the manuscript, my notes, and lots of paper with me.

I hope I'll come back recharged. I hope I can channel that angst from yesterday into what happens to my characters in the scenes I have to write today.

Writing is hard. Writing is VERY hard.

But, I make it a lot harder by getting in my own way.

Current Mood: contemplative

Actually, they just asked all the wrong questions.

Snatched from

eblgorton:

That eating out on Saturdays and buying packaged, processed, fast food did me in. :)

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Very Low
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Current Mood: amused

I know a lot of people joke about cleaning their desks when they're trying to put off writing, but I had to clean my bedroom desk today BEFORE I could start writing.

It was so cluttered with notes and plot points and scene lists and screenplay drafts, and edited copies of novels and screenplays and segments of novels that had been printed, that I couldn't work any more.

Kitties jumped from my monitor into the clutter on the scanner and sent it flying, so more of the desk ended up getting cleaned than planned.

There's more to do. I only did enough that I could work.

Now I don't have to worry about getting buried under paper and books in the event of an earthquake.

Onward and upward.

Let's see if I have 8,000 words in me today.

Current Mood: hopeful

Or, at least, I took the first 45 pages.

I read while I waited for breakfast.

I read during breakfast.

And, I came to the conclusion that this is the best beginning I've ever written.

It's not going to have to be changed. I don't need to start the story earlier. I don't need to start the story later.

I have to edit, of course. Maybe streamline some places, add a little in other places.

But the beginning is solid.

The first line is a good hook.

If the rest of the novel is even half this solid, I'll be okay. I won't have to trash huge sections as I feared. It'll be revising and editing and changing word choices for better flow.

There are a few sections I think I'll have to add on editing instead of while I'm writing the rough draft because I'm undecided, at this point, as to whether to take the story that direction or not. So, I'll write it as originally intended and if I decide to change, I'll do that on rewrite.

I write fast so the insecurities can't catch up with me.

Yesterday, I was too slow and I paid for it by doubting myself, questioning every word choice I made. I stopped short of dragging out the thesaurus and checking every word, but I was unhappy.

Because I wasn't looking at the BIG picture. I wasn't keeping the novel in mind.

I was only thinking about the fact that I worried if I was good enough...so I questioned EVERYTHING.

It wasn't the internal editor. It wasn't even that what I wrote sucked. (I won't judge that until I'm finished.)

It was that I didn't trust myself and I was scared. Scared that I wasn't good enough.

Of course, I suspicion that part of it might have been left-over stress and maybe some low blood sugar, cause I'm doing better today.

THANK HEAVENS.

So I guess I'm just posting this to remind myself that just because I get down on my stuff, that doesn't mean it sucks beyond repair. Sometimes, it might not even suck at all.

Current Mood: pleased

Do any of you have buckeye trees?

If so, do any of you have a bumper crop of buckeyes this year?

If so, would you be willing to part with any of them?

I'd happily pay for them and for postage, too.

I want buckeyes. And, we don't have any out here.

Thanks!!!