Clarification
Sep. 12th, 2005 08:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
queenoftheskiesOn one of my entries from yesterday. The one about submitting.
Some people understood what I was saying. Some did not.
For the record, I DO want to submit. I am NOT afraid of rejection.
Some people seemed to think that I was saying I didn't want to submit and that I wanted to write only for myself, but I felt pressured into submitting because it was expected.
NOT what I said. I want to submit. If I submit and am never accepted, I will still be happy that I wrote, and will enjoy it for myself.
I do NOT feel pressured into submitting. I want to submit. I simply do not. I just keep writing.
I am NOT afraid of rejection. I am not subconsciously afraid of rejection, even though some people insisted on insisting that I was and just didn't know it. That's why I mentioned that I'd gone through rejections before and what a positive experience it had been.
So, I thought about it some more this morning, and this is what I have come up with.
I am a perfectionist. Not just in writing. In my entire life. Many of you can probably sympathize. My oldest son is a perfectionist, too, so we commiserate on a regular basis.
For those of you who are not, BEING A PERFECTIONIST SUCKS!!!
What that means is that NOTHING (zip, nada, nothing) is ever good enough...to the perfectionist.
At work, it has driven me to be a workaholic, to go above and beyond the call of duty.
At home, it drives me to make sure I can cart the kids anywhere to be involved in every, single, little thing at school and try to play super mom even when I'm sick or stressed, or on my death bed.
In writing...well, those of you who've read my LJ for a while have seen what it has done to me. And, most of it, I have overcome.
However, even though I don't hate what I'm writing and I do honestly believe that things can be fixed, I guess I'm still struggling with that "how do I know when it's ready" or "how do I know when it's good enough" or "will it ever be good enough" too much to submit.
I hate being a perfectionist and if there's a cure for it, I wish someone would share it.
That's why, when I write, every day I write, I write for the story. I write to get the words onto the paper. I don't stop and try to make each one perfect as I go along. Because it would NEVER be perfect enough for me. I'm a perfectionist.
But, getting the story finished does WONDERS for the perfectionist in me. I make an accomplishment. I have something to work with. The building blocks of what could some day be a beautiful thing. And that gives me hope.
The problem is not being able to let go. That's why it's hard for me to envision myself submitting. That's why it's difficult...and frightening...to get something out there.
Not because I might get a form letter rejection, not because someone might say "this is not right for us", not because someone might tell me to work on it more.
It's because the perfectionist in me will never think it's ready. Or good enough. The perfectionist in me compares my writing to whatever's out there already. And, you know what? A perfectionist does NOT see their own work with real eyes. They see it with a perfectionist's eyes.
Can anyone else out there sympathize?
I've been writing a long time. I'm 49. I started writing in earnest when I was 8.
The teacher assigned a Halloween story. Mine was almost 50 pages, complete with a cover and illustrations. The teacher let me turn it in late because she was so totally delighted with how in love with it I was that she asked to read every day as I added more to it.
Miss Walker gave me the courage to write when everyone around me told me it was stupid.
I wrote original stuff until I discovered fanfic as a teenager. After that. I wrote mostly fanfic, with a few original pieces thrown in, until I was in my mid twenties. Wrote all the time. Not just a little, but a LOT.
I started writing original material again in my mid twenties, but I didn't know how to plot, so I started many pieces and stopped. Took a couple of classes, learned some, but not enough.
Then, someone took the time to ready through a novel I finished. I learned more from her feedback than from any class I'd ever taken and I began again.
But, I was married...to an abusive man...and I ultimately had to stop writing for a few years to deal with that.
I started writing again when I was 36 or 37. Fanfic again. But, I quickly started developing my own original characters and universes. And, I couldn't stop. Some of what I'm writing now has its roots in that very fruitful period.
When I was 40 or 41, I took up screenwriting and worked at that for 3 or 4 years. Until I got sick. I learned so much about plotting and character development, though neither is as deep as that required for prose.
Then I came back to my great love. Novels. And, I've been back at that for a couple of years.
So, while I may not have honed all of my skills or have the expertise that others might have, I have pretty much been writing all my life.
I know that I love it. I know I could NEVER stop. EVER.
I'm just trying to learn to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together now. That's why I sound so neurotic sometimes.
Some people understood what I was saying. Some did not.
For the record, I DO want to submit. I am NOT afraid of rejection.
Some people seemed to think that I was saying I didn't want to submit and that I wanted to write only for myself, but I felt pressured into submitting because it was expected.
NOT what I said. I want to submit. If I submit and am never accepted, I will still be happy that I wrote, and will enjoy it for myself.
I do NOT feel pressured into submitting. I want to submit. I simply do not. I just keep writing.
I am NOT afraid of rejection. I am not subconsciously afraid of rejection, even though some people insisted on insisting that I was and just didn't know it. That's why I mentioned that I'd gone through rejections before and what a positive experience it had been.
So, I thought about it some more this morning, and this is what I have come up with.
I am a perfectionist. Not just in writing. In my entire life. Many of you can probably sympathize. My oldest son is a perfectionist, too, so we commiserate on a regular basis.
For those of you who are not, BEING A PERFECTIONIST SUCKS!!!
What that means is that NOTHING (zip, nada, nothing) is ever good enough...to the perfectionist.
At work, it has driven me to be a workaholic, to go above and beyond the call of duty.
At home, it drives me to make sure I can cart the kids anywhere to be involved in every, single, little thing at school and try to play super mom even when I'm sick or stressed, or on my death bed.
In writing...well, those of you who've read my LJ for a while have seen what it has done to me. And, most of it, I have overcome.
However, even though I don't hate what I'm writing and I do honestly believe that things can be fixed, I guess I'm still struggling with that "how do I know when it's ready" or "how do I know when it's good enough" or "will it ever be good enough" too much to submit.
I hate being a perfectionist and if there's a cure for it, I wish someone would share it.
That's why, when I write, every day I write, I write for the story. I write to get the words onto the paper. I don't stop and try to make each one perfect as I go along. Because it would NEVER be perfect enough for me. I'm a perfectionist.
But, getting the story finished does WONDERS for the perfectionist in me. I make an accomplishment. I have something to work with. The building blocks of what could some day be a beautiful thing. And that gives me hope.
The problem is not being able to let go. That's why it's hard for me to envision myself submitting. That's why it's difficult...and frightening...to get something out there.
Not because I might get a form letter rejection, not because someone might say "this is not right for us", not because someone might tell me to work on it more.
It's because the perfectionist in me will never think it's ready. Or good enough. The perfectionist in me compares my writing to whatever's out there already. And, you know what? A perfectionist does NOT see their own work with real eyes. They see it with a perfectionist's eyes.
Can anyone else out there sympathize?
I've been writing a long time. I'm 49. I started writing in earnest when I was 8.
The teacher assigned a Halloween story. Mine was almost 50 pages, complete with a cover and illustrations. The teacher let me turn it in late because she was so totally delighted with how in love with it I was that she asked to read every day as I added more to it.
Miss Walker gave me the courage to write when everyone around me told me it was stupid.
I wrote original stuff until I discovered fanfic as a teenager. After that. I wrote mostly fanfic, with a few original pieces thrown in, until I was in my mid twenties. Wrote all the time. Not just a little, but a LOT.
I started writing original material again in my mid twenties, but I didn't know how to plot, so I started many pieces and stopped. Took a couple of classes, learned some, but not enough.
Then, someone took the time to ready through a novel I finished. I learned more from her feedback than from any class I'd ever taken and I began again.
But, I was married...to an abusive man...and I ultimately had to stop writing for a few years to deal with that.
I started writing again when I was 36 or 37. Fanfic again. But, I quickly started developing my own original characters and universes. And, I couldn't stop. Some of what I'm writing now has its roots in that very fruitful period.
When I was 40 or 41, I took up screenwriting and worked at that for 3 or 4 years. Until I got sick. I learned so much about plotting and character development, though neither is as deep as that required for prose.
Then I came back to my great love. Novels. And, I've been back at that for a couple of years.
So, while I may not have honed all of my skills or have the expertise that others might have, I have pretty much been writing all my life.
I know that I love it. I know I could NEVER stop. EVER.
I'm just trying to learn to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together now. That's why I sound so neurotic sometimes.
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My take on perfectionism and the writer.
Date: 2005-09-12 04:25 pm (UTC)It's extremely painful, but I've had to learn to let go. I don't accept the letting go, but I make myself do it anyway. I've learned (the hard way, in college) that holding on and holding on to something to fix it again and again may actually make it worse, and to trust myself a little bit better. I've had to learn to guage what the rest of the world considers "average" and "above average", and pull myself away from things and call it good at that point.
It's been painful for my fiction writing, because when I stop and breathe, and say "okay, this will do--maybe with 10 years more experience I could make it ever better, but this is good for Ann today, September 2005," and I let someone else look at it, and they find a million typos and some plot problems scattered within, and I lose my own ability to judge... and then I think "what crap I must have been sending out before!"
Yeah, it sucks. And it REALLY sucks when you find out that it's not perfect.
But I do submit, and I think part of why I can make myself do it is the saying that WE cannot judge whether our work is publishable. THAT is up to the person who choses to or not to publish it. And even that is a crap shoot. Submitting and acceptance is as much skill as chance (the right editor, at the right time), etc, and as much as it drives me crazy...
If I don't step forward, I'm only going to stagnate.
Besides, having talked to some published authors... the editors often ask for revisions, and the copyeditors in one writer I know of found over 300 errors in a manuscript of not many more pages. I'm not sure what "good enough" means, but I'm not sure there's such thing as the "perfect" manuscript, either. Look at JK Rowling, Anne Rice, and Robert Jordan. Rice doesn't let people touch her manuscript, and the others books are turned out so fast after their manuscripts are turned in (Jordan's books go out within 1-2 months of receiving the manuscript, someone from Tor once told me), so they don't really get a good editing job to help tighten up their stories. (And I LOVE Rowling, but she does need an editor to help her cut out the extra fat and tighten what's there :D).
So I can sympathize where you are coming from, but I think there's hope, too! :D
no subject
Date: 2005-09-12 05:33 pm (UTC)It's why I have finished short stories, but several partial novels that may not ever get finished. If I wrote for a living, I'd probably waste away to nothing. Left alone to let it flow, I forget to eat, sleep, etc. I *hate* interruptions when I'm in my zone. (My current short story is driving me nuts because I have not been able to carve out 2-3 hours to just work on it and it alone. It's stuck in my head and I can't get it out!)
So while my perfectionism manifests itself differently than most folks', I can heartily understand why you go through the issues you do with writing. But I think you're doing one thing right - you're writing! ;-)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-12 05:33 pm (UTC)I'm trying to shift the lens around here to fit not submitting not out of fear, but out of this other thing...and I can't quite define the other thing.
It sounds to me from your industry experience that you've got no problem putting together a commerical project--so what constitutes perfect?
no subject
Date: 2005-09-12 05:56 pm (UTC)And the more you try to make it perfect, the less likely you'll ever finish it because you'll keep learning more about writing and find new ways to fix what you're working on. Better to learn to let it go and use your newly gained experience to make the next piece better, and so on.
And sometimes, that need to get it perfect can be (and I'm not saying it is in your case) a way to put off the actual submitting of the thing, to put off the risk of regjection.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-12 06:38 pm (UTC)I use the term recovering perfectionist, actually. I, too, rarely submit stuff, even though I mostly want to, and yes, I so hear the irritation in your voice when you write: I am not subconsciously afraid of rejection, even though some people insisted on insisting that I was and just didn't know it. Oh my freaking Crom, I want to beat those people with a stick.
But anyway. The "cure" for perfectionism lies in discovering that it's safe to be imperfect. This is almost impossible to do involuntarily. One has to learn it bit by bit in different environments, and I'm pretty sure the only way to do it is to have the definition pushed so far beyond the bounds of what you can achieve, that you break.
An example: I, too, was the insane perfectionist at work. And back when I worked in an office with other perfectionists, this was fine. We were all crazy in the same way, all pointed at the same goal, and our perfectionist tendencies were harnessed as a team. Yay, team.
And then my company was bought and I was (and still am) at another company where the corporate culture is different, and so many people in other departments just don't give a crap. And after many years, I finally couldn't take it anymore, being the only one who cared, and I just...broke. The final straw? One department had insisted they needed materials by Day X, and I had to get them there, or dire consequences would result.
Guess what? Through no fault of mine (a shipper problem), the materials didn't show up. But I didn't know they didn't show up. And on Day X + 14, the other department called to inquire. And I hung up the phone and sat there thinking, "I busted my ass to have stuff ready to arrive on Day X, but clearly you didn't need stuff on Day X, or I would have gotten an irate phone call on Day X +1!"
And after that I directed my perfectionism to a new pursuit, the pursuit of perfectly not giving a shit about someone else's deadlines. You want it when? But you didn't ask me until NOW? That is not my problem. And amazingly, I have discovered the Truth that nonperfectionists already know: deadlines are all lies.
Now, it hurts me--physically hurts me--to think that I have lowered my standards like this. But that pain is nothing compared to how furious, how betrayed I felt when I got that phone call on Day X +14. I broke that day, and there is no repairing it. (If there were, I would not be LJing; I would be writing the comp order I should be writing at this moment.)
Ad for writing... I am pleased to say that my standards have not dropped there, and since the only person imposing standards and deadlines is myself, then I don't have to drop my standards.
Except.
1. Work on the same novel for years and years, and you get bloody sick of the sight of it and just don't care anymore.
2. Have an agent express interest in a novel and you will bust your ass to have something good enough to send by the deadline. If you can't do that, then you are in the wrong business.
Of course, without the intervention of a good friend, I would not have an agent interested in my stuff. I would continue to dawdle along on rewriting and restructuring, and not get around to sending it anywhere.
So--my favorite tactic for perfectionism: set deadlines for yourself. This pits the perfectionism of making the deadline against the perfectionism of making the writing perfect.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-12 07:30 pm (UTC)Not being afraid of the act of being "rejected" but being afraid of handing in something that is not perfect.
I've done this song and dance: in that sense the greatest fear may be that once I do hand in something that is not perfect, someone might accept it, and oh my God, how embarassing that would be because my readers and all those smart people would look at it and find it less than perfect. And I might look at it and see flaws and be terribly embarassed. It is still rejection, just on the next level.
And I perfectly understand your feeling about materials X. I bust my butt sometimes getting the reference number and then the file doesn;t have a signed release and I end up waiting for the team to send me one, sometimes for 3 days or so. I stress out and fuss, but there is nothing left to do but hurry up and wait, until the client forwards it to the team.
:Takes away E!'s stick and chases E! and queenoftheskies around: Get over it! Submit stuff! E!, where is that novel you promised me by September? Give give give!
My perfectionism got cured in a hurry when I realized that holding myself to an impossible standard of getting it all "perfect" was 1) incredibly arrogant and 2)would never result in publication. And no matter how perfect I would get it, when an editor finally looks at it, I would have to make a mountain of changes anyway.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 06:34 pm (UTC)-->Oh! Mea culpa! I totally forgot to give it to you. I got 5 other readers all lined up and everything. Okay if I email it to you?
And no matter how perfect I would get it, when an editor finally looks at it, I would have to make a mountain of changes anyway.
-->This was the realization that broke me. So it went to the prospective agent as perfect as I could get it at the time. And then she had stuff to say, so what you will be reading is half the first book, +35,000 words.
And I know it's still nowhere near perfect. See my comment of "Work on the same novel for years and years, and you get bloody sick of the sight of it and just don't care anymore." That's where I am. I have done all I can do on my own, and I need other people to tell me what to do to it. And if what they say makes sense, then I'll do it, but I will never think of it on my own because I have thought everything I possibly can.
The problem with the perception of "perfect" is that it moves around all the time. I have stopped chasing the goalposts because I am too tired to run anymore. I'm setting traps for the goalposts instead.
"Enough of this 'running' shit." --Jim Malone (Sean Connery) in The Untouchables
no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 06:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-12 11:19 pm (UTC)I can totally sympathise! You know how I deal with it? I just shut those damned eyes when I hit the 'send' button/seal the envelope :)
Seriously, I just push myself past the perfectionist paralysis cuz I know I won't get anywhere if I don't. Sorry if that's not expecially useful/helpful.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 12:46 am (UTC)Lather, rinse, and repeat for each novel.
?
no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 01:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 01:57 am (UTC)#1. You have finished pieces! OMG! That's hardest part right there! You have one up on me!(and a whole heaping helping of other people too).
2. You might not ever reach the "perfect" manifestation of your work. My mom explained it to me once that you can't capture the picture in your mind's eye perfectly, but do the best you can. It's part of the artist's madness, I think, that frustration. That ideal picture is more like the goal or maybe the guide.
3. I have been listening to the pro's talk about the fact that you can over process (they use the term over polish) your work and actually make it worse. Watch here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/pbray/40679.html.
With your finished pieces, I think this is the time to put them down and let them fly.
4. If you can't let it go after you've done your final revisions, have a friend help you. Give your manuscript to her/him with the mailing address and cost of postage and let them mail it for you (without you). Then it's out of your hands and doing something productive.
Just go for it! For better or worse, go for it! Best Wishes!
no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 04:58 am (UTC)Let's play the hypothetical game for a moment okay? Suppose you submit... you say that you're not afraid of a rejection letter, so if you send it out and you do happen to get one, so what? Right?
But...
What if... you send it in and it gets accepted?
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think there is a little part inside of you that fears success. I hope you can find a way around that because to not share a gift such as yours seems like a crime to me.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 08:20 am (UTC)In this case it's not sunbconsious fear, but rather the feeling that your work isn't ready to submit yet (am I right?). I am victim to the same doubts, which is why I've only ever sent one short story (re-worked countless times) out.
In that case, you're not submitting, you're waiting to submit. I don't believe in sending submitting something that you're not comfortable with yet.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 02:26 pm (UTC)Submit anyway.
You want to submit. You're not afraid of rejection. You've certainly shown you're not afraid of writing, not afraid of meeting goals.
So give yourself a goal to edit one of your novels, or to write a query letter. Take the energy of your perfectionism and bring it to bear on the whole project, not just the initial draft. Try it. You know you want to. So try. Submit.