Ready For the Drama to be Over

[queenoftheskies]

Today, I was pretty uninspired for most of the day.

I had to deal with some stuff regarding the court date tomorrow and realized that, after all these months and months and months of crap, I have just had enough.

I've tried really hard not to complain too much recently. I've actually handled it all pretty well. I've tried really hard to be good.

But, it kinda body slammed me today and I had kind of a down day.

Hoping for good news tomorrow.

Didn't think I'd write today, but I did. Actually hit my julnawrimo goal, too. What a surprise!


Ancient Secrets 1,712 words today

131,138 total words to date

131,138 / 140,000 (93.0%)

Ancient Secrets synopsis 200 words today


Word count for julnawrimo:

20,567 / 50,000 (41.0%)

Comments

Reply - Part 1 because it's too long

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

But, you know, sometime complaining, or venting, depending on how you want to look at it, is just what a person needs.

Yes, you're completely right. Sometimes, it releases all the pent up emotion and allows a person to feel free...at least for a while.

I've always pretty much suffered the worst things in silence. For a while in my life, I was able to vent, but I didn't like the person that made me.

So, I think that what I do is let off steam instead. Sometimes not enough to ward of a full-scale explosion. But, sometimes, those explosions only amount to locking myself in the bathroom for a good cry. :)

I guess, I've been so many places and through so many bad things that I try really hard not to look back on them. Instead, I choose to realize how much better things are now.

The problem with this work crap and not getting paid and all of that is that it's alarmingly like what I went through when I was married and after I first left my husband. No money, welfare, living in a motel with my kids...::shudder::...fodder for writing, I tell myself.

And, in my writing, there are pieces of me and my experiences.

Koji, with his dreams destroyed by his parents (yes, my mom actually ripped stuff up like Koji's dad did) and the constant assurance that he would NEVER amount to anything.

Lilli, who lived through abuse, determined to keep going, determined to champion others who needed a life-line, someone to care, someone to rescue them, children who needed food or that assurance they could succeed in life.

Robbie, living in a motel with her welfare mom and her mom's boyfriend, preyed upon by the child molesting motel manager.

Dennis, strong and brave, determined to keep a watchful eye and right all wrongs within his power, though not always keeping a close enough eye on his own backyard.

Chloe, trying to be a good single mom, but sometimes too focused on other things (like just surviving) to take care of herself.

But, I digress. Those things are over. Done with. And, I guess I take exception to the fact that one stupid, stupid man (the previous owner) could so easily take away from me everything I've worked so HARD to build up since I left my husband.

No, he hasn't taken that away from me yet. But, I came really close to losing what I'd accomplished and I guess I just haven't gotten over the paranoia from that yet.

Most of the time, I just keep fighting, doing the best I can do, struggling to keep going. But, sometimes (like yesterday), I feel trapped. Trapped because I can't stop at the grocery store because I just paid rent last week. Trapped because I can't get back to my regular routine yet. And, then I lose that patience I like to blather on about. :)

But, it's back today and I'm smiling at life again and going, "Okay, hit me with your best shot...uh...not really. Give me another week or two then take your best shot. I'll be much better after a few more paychecks." :)