Filled With Encouragement
Jul. 1st, 2006 06:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
queenoftheskiesMany, MANY thanks to those of you who offered encouragement to my "lost" post last night.
I can see where a lot of my angst is coming from. I can see it. And, I guess it just frustrates the hell out of me that, no matter how hard I try, I can't fix it.
January was my last truly productive, feeling totally one with the work, OMG I can't believe how much I love finishing a project and moving on to the next month.
After that, as many bumper stickers of wisdom tell us, "Sh*t Happens".
That's okay. It really is. I've had a lot of it in the 50 years I've been alive and I'm sure I'll have periods of it as long as I continue to live. I think, really, it's just a sign that we ARE alive and maybe even that we're doing things instead of stagnating and allowing the world to control us or wash us away like we weren't even there.
I think that, before last year, when the bad things happened, the difference was that I wasn't trying to write with dedication and the intention of ultimately submitting.
Okay, I take that back. I had one hell of a time when I first was diagnosed as diabetic, I felt like crap, my blood pressure was high, and the meds all made me sick as a dog. That was hard. So, I let some of lifes "little joys" (please note the sarcasm) get me down, and I stopped screenwriting. I pretended that I would get back to it. It's taken me almost four years to get back to it.
And, I think that sucks. I think I was weak, in one respect, for allowing that to happen. But, I think I might have been strong in another to acknowledge that, in order to improve my health and actually COPE with the lifestyle changes required, I had to focus on those.
So, I'm not going to beat myself up over that and say I was wrong. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. But, I'm still alive and I'm a happy diabetic. Believe me, comparing myself to others I know, that's a VERY important thing.
I admit it, the past year has been hard. I've had my ups and downs.
I'm up again.
Okay, maybe not all the way there yet, but I have HOPE, and I think that's even more important than having attained "up".
I'm happy in my job. Very happy.
I've only had one week that youngest has been out of school, and I've had things to do after work, but I've still gotten home by 5:00. There's OT at work, and working Saturdays right now, and I'm good about that because the people are good, the atmosphere is good, and I'm enjoying learning and being sincerely appreciated.
Part of the problem could be that I'm an achiever. Probably not in the traditional sense of the word, but lots of you have noticed how stubborn I am and how I used to write tons and how I still hang on there and try to get those words in...sometimes when I should probably be resting or sleeping instead.
So, when they give me work, I do it and ask for more. And more. And, finally, the soon to be promoted to supervisor person apologized that the now supersivor was giving me so much work and voiced his fear that I would quit.
No! No! I love it there. I love the work. My analytical brain is having a ball!
You see, my brain is ALWAYS active. Always. It devours anything that's there. (And, I thought brains were supposed to stop learning so much at my age!)
I'm sure that's why it puts together vast universes that span centuries and link them all together in huge ways and tiny ways and hopefully intricate ways.
My brain LOVES to do that. It just does. Even last night, as I tried to sleep, it came up with an opening line for the new novel that I start today...even when I was muttering, "I don't want to do this. I want to sleep."
So...it won. I got up and wrote it down. Will I keep it later when I revise? Who the hell knows, but I NEED a decent starting line to get me into the work, and now I have it.
But...
I'm kidding myself. I think that just because the situation has changed and life is better now that I should be back to my normal self now. This fast. Right?
Sometimes, I get those wonderful flashes of me and I'm in love with the universe (the real one) and I'm in love with MY universe and I'm in love with the tons of ideas that wash over me. I try to scribble the best ones down, but there are too many to remember.
What causes that state? I don't know. I think maybe not fighting it causes it. Relaxing. Going with the flow. NOT FIGHTING IT.
So, why do I keep fighting it? Maybe because I'm still tired. And, dealing with other kinds of stress that will go away and aren't even necessarily bad. Also, brain is very tired sometimes when I get off work. And, HOT...don't forget HOT.
Have you ever learned so much that your brain hurt? Yesterday, we were under a time crunch to get some costing changes in. After yesterday, we had to wait until next month...which is inventory.
I learned so many new things in the last hour before I came home. And, what's really weird is that I kinda entered this heightened state...which, BTW, is quite similar to how I write in my "BEST" days. I didn't really think about that before.
And, everything suddenly becomes super clear and I become super focused and I do things and marvel later that I did them. At the time, I feel like I'm holding so much in my brain that it hurts. Later, I feel tired. Very tired. Mentally tired.
And, then, after that, I had the gall to make my brain come home and write 3,648 words so I could hit a monthly goal. I was whining at myself mentally all night. I wanted, more than anything at that particular moment, to hit my goal. It was important to me to hit my goal. I needed to hit my goal. I needed to know that I could still hit goals. Two months in a row.
And, yet, I wasn't into it the entire time. I couldn't FEEL it. So, instead, I felt SUCK.
But, I figured accomplishment would inspire me and produce MORE accomplishment. And, help me get back to myself faster.
Maybe it will. I don't know.
But, that's when the doubts creep in, you know?
Do I THINK all the words sucked?
No.
Do I FEEL like all the words sucked?
I did. I haven't looked at them this morning and I'm trying to push thoughts of suckage out of my brain.
See, here's the big difference, and I think most writers can understand:
FEELING like words sucked doesn't mean that they really sucked. It means...well, different things to different writers.
I am distracted now. I have been distracted since February.
I have times of clarity. Sometimes, GREAT times of clarity, which I could NOT say in February, March, or April, for the most part. Much of May, too.
When I have my focus and my clarity, I can admit that some days, I write well and that all days, I write. Some rough drafts are good, some aren't. But, the important thing is that the STORY is good and that it's there on the paper and that...
EVERYTHING CAN BE FIXED LATER.
I need to relax and enjoy and stop fighting. But, you see, that's the part I haven't figured out yet.
Which is why I come out with periodic outbursts like last night.
I'm not lost all the time. I don't suck all the time.
Correction...I don't FEEL like I suck all the time.
I'm just not in the flow like I used to be. (Though, the other night, I really was and it brought me great joy.)
But, I'm a writer and I write the days that the words flow and the days that they don't want to play, I drag them out kicking and screaming by their little toes. At least they're on the paper and I'll convince them later, that they really did want to come out and play.
Thank you for being my LJ friends and for being there. :)
And, now, off to breakfast...and then work...and then to drag more words out whether they want to play or not.
I can see where a lot of my angst is coming from. I can see it. And, I guess it just frustrates the hell out of me that, no matter how hard I try, I can't fix it.
January was my last truly productive, feeling totally one with the work, OMG I can't believe how much I love finishing a project and moving on to the next month.
After that, as many bumper stickers of wisdom tell us, "Sh*t Happens".
That's okay. It really is. I've had a lot of it in the 50 years I've been alive and I'm sure I'll have periods of it as long as I continue to live. I think, really, it's just a sign that we ARE alive and maybe even that we're doing things instead of stagnating and allowing the world to control us or wash us away like we weren't even there.
I think that, before last year, when the bad things happened, the difference was that I wasn't trying to write with dedication and the intention of ultimately submitting.
Okay, I take that back. I had one hell of a time when I first was diagnosed as diabetic, I felt like crap, my blood pressure was high, and the meds all made me sick as a dog. That was hard. So, I let some of lifes "little joys" (please note the sarcasm) get me down, and I stopped screenwriting. I pretended that I would get back to it. It's taken me almost four years to get back to it.
And, I think that sucks. I think I was weak, in one respect, for allowing that to happen. But, I think I might have been strong in another to acknowledge that, in order to improve my health and actually COPE with the lifestyle changes required, I had to focus on those.
So, I'm not going to beat myself up over that and say I was wrong. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. But, I'm still alive and I'm a happy diabetic. Believe me, comparing myself to others I know, that's a VERY important thing.
I admit it, the past year has been hard. I've had my ups and downs.
I'm up again.
Okay, maybe not all the way there yet, but I have HOPE, and I think that's even more important than having attained "up".
I'm happy in my job. Very happy.
I've only had one week that youngest has been out of school, and I've had things to do after work, but I've still gotten home by 5:00. There's OT at work, and working Saturdays right now, and I'm good about that because the people are good, the atmosphere is good, and I'm enjoying learning and being sincerely appreciated.
Part of the problem could be that I'm an achiever. Probably not in the traditional sense of the word, but lots of you have noticed how stubborn I am and how I used to write tons and how I still hang on there and try to get those words in...sometimes when I should probably be resting or sleeping instead.
So, when they give me work, I do it and ask for more. And more. And, finally, the soon to be promoted to supervisor person apologized that the now supersivor was giving me so much work and voiced his fear that I would quit.
No! No! I love it there. I love the work. My analytical brain is having a ball!
You see, my brain is ALWAYS active. Always. It devours anything that's there. (And, I thought brains were supposed to stop learning so much at my age!)
I'm sure that's why it puts together vast universes that span centuries and link them all together in huge ways and tiny ways and hopefully intricate ways.
My brain LOVES to do that. It just does. Even last night, as I tried to sleep, it came up with an opening line for the new novel that I start today...even when I was muttering, "I don't want to do this. I want to sleep."
So...it won. I got up and wrote it down. Will I keep it later when I revise? Who the hell knows, but I NEED a decent starting line to get me into the work, and now I have it.
But...
I'm kidding myself. I think that just because the situation has changed and life is better now that I should be back to my normal self now. This fast. Right?
Sometimes, I get those wonderful flashes of me and I'm in love with the universe (the real one) and I'm in love with MY universe and I'm in love with the tons of ideas that wash over me. I try to scribble the best ones down, but there are too many to remember.
What causes that state? I don't know. I think maybe not fighting it causes it. Relaxing. Going with the flow. NOT FIGHTING IT.
So, why do I keep fighting it? Maybe because I'm still tired. And, dealing with other kinds of stress that will go away and aren't even necessarily bad. Also, brain is very tired sometimes when I get off work. And, HOT...don't forget HOT.
Have you ever learned so much that your brain hurt? Yesterday, we were under a time crunch to get some costing changes in. After yesterday, we had to wait until next month...which is inventory.
I learned so many new things in the last hour before I came home. And, what's really weird is that I kinda entered this heightened state...which, BTW, is quite similar to how I write in my "BEST" days. I didn't really think about that before.
And, everything suddenly becomes super clear and I become super focused and I do things and marvel later that I did them. At the time, I feel like I'm holding so much in my brain that it hurts. Later, I feel tired. Very tired. Mentally tired.
And, then, after that, I had the gall to make my brain come home and write 3,648 words so I could hit a monthly goal. I was whining at myself mentally all night. I wanted, more than anything at that particular moment, to hit my goal. It was important to me to hit my goal. I needed to hit my goal. I needed to know that I could still hit goals. Two months in a row.
And, yet, I wasn't into it the entire time. I couldn't FEEL it. So, instead, I felt SUCK.
But, I figured accomplishment would inspire me and produce MORE accomplishment. And, help me get back to myself faster.
Maybe it will. I don't know.
But, that's when the doubts creep in, you know?
Do I THINK all the words sucked?
No.
Do I FEEL like all the words sucked?
I did. I haven't looked at them this morning and I'm trying to push thoughts of suckage out of my brain.
See, here's the big difference, and I think most writers can understand:
FEELING like words sucked doesn't mean that they really sucked. It means...well, different things to different writers.
I am distracted now. I have been distracted since February.
I have times of clarity. Sometimes, GREAT times of clarity, which I could NOT say in February, March, or April, for the most part. Much of May, too.
When I have my focus and my clarity, I can admit that some days, I write well and that all days, I write. Some rough drafts are good, some aren't. But, the important thing is that the STORY is good and that it's there on the paper and that...
EVERYTHING CAN BE FIXED LATER.
I need to relax and enjoy and stop fighting. But, you see, that's the part I haven't figured out yet.
Which is why I come out with periodic outbursts like last night.
I'm not lost all the time. I don't suck all the time.
Correction...I don't FEEL like I suck all the time.
I'm just not in the flow like I used to be. (Though, the other night, I really was and it brought me great joy.)
But, I'm a writer and I write the days that the words flow and the days that they don't want to play, I drag them out kicking and screaming by their little toes. At least they're on the paper and I'll convince them later, that they really did want to come out and play.
Thank you for being my LJ friends and for being there. :)
And, now, off to breakfast...and then work...and then to drag more words out whether they want to play or not.
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no subject
Date: 2006-07-01 03:27 pm (UTC)I've learned that I can't really drag words out of me when I don't feel well or I'm too tired, because they will suck and that'll just make it worse. When I have to toss them, it feels worse than not having written them would have felt.
We each find what works for us and sometimes we have to tweak our process to get back to that. But I've learned to give it time (not too much if I want to get back to it) and to cut myself some slack because there really are things more important. Like health.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-01 04:51 pm (UTC)You inspire me, did you know that? I tend to write only when I feel like it, you write whether the words come easily or not.
I hear you about the brain not shutting up. Mine did that to me last night too.
Take care, hang in there.
{{{lurvs on you}}}