Confidence

[queenoftheskies]

I'm beginning to think, on my part, that confidence is more an emotion than a belief or lack of belief in myself.

Yes, I do have a real problem with confidence that is born from problems in my childhood and in my former married life. I work at overcoming these problems every day, and I think I've made great strides.

However, having said that, I think there's definitely an emotional element to confidence--or lack of it--as well.

That emotional element is tied to many things. Where writing is concerned, some of it is tied to writing, some is not. Some is tied to events transpiring in my day to day life that either lift me up or bring me down.

Oftentimes, it's difficult to judge progress and confidence level and even quality of writing, while other times, everything seems perfectly clear.

I often wonder if this will, ultimately, keep me from succeeding.

I think I now have more confident days than I do lack of confidence days, so I guess I'm improving. :)

Confidence for me, though, doesn't equate with the blind faith and cockiness that I often see with other writers. Sometimes, that makes me wonder how they can be so sure. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if I'm a failure for not being able to see my potential for success the same way they see theirs.

I think it makes me more cautious because I want success to be something meaningful and not fleeting.

I think that, when I have it, confidence gives me peace...not blind assurance in myself, but the peace of knowing that I have the ability to continue to grow and improve and that I have the reasoning ability to work logically through a story and any problems it presents me with.

It gives me the ability to see where I've been, where I am, and where I have yet to go...and the certainty that, even if I don't know exactly how to get there yet, I can work my way into the future as I grow.

But, there are still days of doubt. Will they ever go away? Not completely, I don't think, because writing, while the love of my life, is still difficult work and there's no way to be certain of its success or whether everything that is written will ultimately work.

There's doubt inherent in the process and while the doubt may dim somewhat, I think it'll never go away completely.

And, perhaps that's a good thing. I think that, in my life, as long as there is doubt, there is extra effort involved in my work.

But, sometimes, I have to revisit the doubt and assure myself that it's subjective. Just because I doubt doesn't mean that I will fail. It doesn't mean that my efforts are in vain.

It just means that I probably have to work a little harder than most people to bolster my confidence level and assure myself that, if I continue to work hard and to grow, that chance of success is still there, waiting for me to catch up to it.