What a Strange Afternoon

[queenoftheskies]

I wanted to go to the academic competition my youngest son is competing in today, but it's a long drive down to Long Beach from here, and since my one tire is leaking, I decided not to chance it. I wanted to try to scrape up some money for a new one so I could go, but, as always these days, another emergency came up that requires extra money instead.

My oldest son, who coaches the school's Academic Decathlon team told me that my youngest son beat the team genius' scores on ALL the practice tests yesterday and scored a 960 (out of 1000) on the music test, and did well on the Super Quiz practice, too, so I'm sitting here rooting for him as I know they've probably started Super Quiz right now.

So, I've been kind of blue. Normally, I can handle the work stress and getting home late and the fact that I'm making $17,000 less since the new folks took over.

But, getting paid every two weeks on that much less money is hard sometimes. I keep hoping it'll get easier, but it's really hard to stretch the money and, sometimes (like months when I have car insurance or extras due), it's harder.

I hate the thought of having to go back to a Controller job or having to commute to LA. That would cause huge headaches and mean even less time to write. But, it might have to be done.

This afternoon, I find myself web-surfing apartments and jobs in other parts of the country. It's not that I want to leave California, and I think I'd be sad if I did, but there's so much out there and the rents are so much LESS and the apartments more like homes.

Sometimes, it's tempting.

This afternoon, I was looking at Nashville. That's where I was born and lived for 25 years. In a few months, I'll turn 50, so maybe, now that I've been out here for 25 years, I'm getting nostalgic. I don't know.

I love Nashville. Love Tennessee. Have very, very, very MANY bad memories of living there. Abusive, religious family and the like. However, it's been a long time and I wouldn't have to see them, so I looked.

It never hurts to look.

I found 2,000 sqaure foot apartments (my apartment is maybe 850) that cost $300 LESS per month than I pay. Isn't that CRAZY? Complete with fireplaces and microwaves and beautiful, wonderful ammenities. THey even accept multiple pets.

But, the real clencher...there are glorious, glorious trees in Nashville. And, lakes. And trees. Did I mention trees?

There appear to be jobs, too.

But...it's just daydreaming. Even if I actively wanted to move, I don't think I could get the money together to do it. And, I've lost contact with all my friends I once had there. And, they wouldn't understand that I'm not a church-goer any more...and wouldn't be tolerant.

I just need something to cheer me up until I hit one of those 3 paycheck months that rolls around periodically. :)

I am thankful to have a job, an apartment, and a running car. There were times that I had none of those luxuries.

I am thankful. Just a little stressed.

Comments

[peartreealley.livejournal.com]

There is nothing in the world wrong with wanting more.

One of the best bits of advice I ever got was "If you don't like your life, get a new one." I'd take it, perhaps, a little less extreme with first "change your attitude,", but I think the advice still holds.

I have a rule in my life that when I'm upset about something, I can vent for a few minutes, and then I must stop and either figure out (and, more importantly, take meaningful action) about the situation, or get over it and move on.

It's not always perfect, and sometimes I still get caught up in whatever is bugging me, but having the plan to let it roll off or fix it can sometimes be enough to get me through the day or week.

(One of my co-workers snarled the other day and muttered about how it sucks for him that he has to come in every day to a job he hates. I flat up told him, "Then quit. Get a new job.")

Anyway, I'm starting to rant off away from my intentions. By all means, if things are truly horrible--dream about what you want to do instead. And take action. Just because, as writers, we have to support our writing, doesn't mean we have to suffer while waiting for the time we can do it full-time.

[dragovianknight.livejournal.com]

This isn't the first time you've wanted to go home. Maybe you should listen to yourself, move, and then make NEW friends instead of worrying about the old. ::hugs::

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

You know, I don't think it's so much that I actually want to move as it is that I want to figure out a way to make some changes in my life without making things harder in order to get them.

This has just been a bad week and I've been sitting around crying this afternoon cause I know next week's going to be worse and there's not really anything I can do about it.

[opalturtle.livejournal.com]

Coth and I live about 20 minutes from Nashville. :D

[dragovianknight.livejournal.com]

Cali is a very hard place to make ends meet, though, and I know you'd go batshit someplace like here. Perhaps moving is the way to make changes without making things harder. It might be something to seriously consider.

And ::hugs::. I wish I could help, but I'm tapped out too at the moment.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

Has Nashville gotten LOTS bigger?

I haven't even had the chance to visit in like...wow...17 years.

[anghara.livejournal.com]

It actually *is* okay to just CRY sometimes - it gets poisons out of your system in some magical mystical way, it's like your tears take it out of you. And afterwards, when you've stopped and mopped up, you may not feel measurably better or more empowered but you always somehow feel calm, as though you've just sailed through a storm and hit a patch of quiet water to rest in. Sometimes you just need to cry.

But after - when you're done with it all - do practtical stuff. Write yourself lists: things i like about my life, things that could be better. See if your lists can be made to work with each other. TALK to people, people you like and trust. Try and frame the big picture in your mind, even if you have to do it one pixel at a time.

So cry it out. And then find a compass, and pick a direction.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

I feel like I should be thankful to have what I do have...especially after the prior business going under and screwing all the employees in a HUGE way.

So, I guess I feel guilty wanting more.

For me, figuring out how to get it without making things worse is the difficult part. :)

[peartreealley.livejournal.com]

You can be thankful for what you have.

But that doesn't mean you can't want more, or even just something different. It's all about baby-steps. One step at a time, and all of those cliches.

It's your life. I realize you have other responsiblities (like motherhood) that I don't know anything about, but here's the rub: It's your life. All faith aside, it's the only life you know you will have. It's your perogative to spend it the way you want to spend it.

It's not too late, and missed chances can be found again. I think the hardest obstacle people run into is actually accepting that it's okay to change things, that change may cause chaos in the way, and most importantly--you've gotta act, instead of just plan and dream.

And I'll be quiet now. Maybe :D

[merebrillante.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I know how you feel. In fact, I was just musing on the fantasy of packing a suitcase and taking off, leaving everything behind. But I have four cats. I can't leave them behind. So I'd have to plan.

But where do I go? What do I do once I get there? What if I move there and find out I don't like it? Where do I go then?

I'd like to move to a place where I don't speak the language, where I can live in a state of blissful ignorance of how horrible human beings can behave towards each other, if at least only for a little while.

[iagor.livejournal.com]

Throw your stuff in a truck and move.

Every time my life dragged me into a place I didn't want to be, I ended up moving and feeling better for it.

Yes, at first it looks like there is no money and you can't do it, but somehow, some way ti always works out.

[writerbythebay.livejournal.com]

I hope your day goes better! *HUGS*

As someone who has moved more times than I can count, listen to your heart about moving. If you are thinking such a big move I would suggest you go back for a good visit. At least a whole week in the area you are thinking of going back to. Go back with a research approach. Check out the things that are important to you; city growth, crime, costs, etc. If it feels like "HOME" somewhere, where ever that may be- be there. Good luck! It's scary thinking of a big move.

[arkiewriter.livejournal.com]

Honestly, with your skills and all, you'd probably do a lot better in Tennessee than California. It truly is a beautiful area, with good cost of living, and if you wanted to keep distance between you and any extended family, there are always nearby cities with decent cost-of-living - Knoxville and the like. It's actually the one place that seriously tempts me on moving away from home myself. If it is something that keeps returning to your mind, then look into the serious research. Friends can be found, often in the strangest of places, and while they may not be as obvious in the South as out West, the non-church-going crowd exists.