Yesterday

Nov. 25th, 2006 06:56 am
queenoftheskies: queenoftheskies (Default)
Was a difficult one for me as a writer.

There were times I wanted to trash my novel.

There were times I just wanted to give up.

There were times I wanted to throw out the novels and just write screenplays where I don't doubt myself quite so much.

I knew that if I stopped working on my novel, it was over. So I kept turning out word after word after word, telling myself the scene would be over and I'd move onto the next. And the next. And the next.

I've had doubts and insecurities before, but OMG, this year has done HORRIBLE things to me. Absolutely horrible.

These things have made their way into the way I perceive myself as a writer and the way I look at my writing too. And, they've made it hard for me to be objective and look ahead.

I'm trying to work my way out of it, but sometimes, it overcomes me and I don't know what to do.

Except keep writing. And write more. And more.

I WILL finish this novel. I'm going to TRY to finish it this weekend.

This will be the first novel I've finished since January, when I finished one that I ended up splitting into two betcause it was long and had a natural break.

Yes, three novels for the year is good progress (though, in all honesty, the one that was split was the one I began in NaNo last year). But, not like the progress I had last year. I can do better.

If I can just figure out what to do about these doubts that plague me and figure out why I let people mess with my mind. How do I stop them from messing with my mind? How do I stop caring about what they say and still remain open to what other, less destructive people, say?

I don't know yet.

So far, today seems a little better. I'm at least pleased with my progress to date and I'm not judgmental. Yet. But, that's all I can ask for after a day like yesterday.

I'm getting ready to go to breakfast. Take part of the manuscript, my notes, and lots of paper with me.

I hope I'll come back recharged. I hope I can channel that angst from yesterday into what happens to my characters in the scenes I have to write today.

Writing is hard. Writing is VERY hard.

But, I make it a lot harder by getting in my own way.

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